Laugh at the Irony - #1

I could choose to have this piss me off or choose to laugh it off:

• Remembering I need to get gas for my car just as I pull in my driveway at home.

Homesick at home.

What do you do when you are feeling homesick, yet you are home?

I mean, I am in my house and I have my amazing, loving, entertaining, keep-me-constantly-on-my-toes grandkidlets sleeping close by. That is wonder-full!

... and yet they are sleeping, and I am not.

I guess that too much of my heart isin't home.

Barbara and Donn are in Wyoming, Amber and Kirt are in San Fran, Bob and Ryan and Matt and Elli are in Dallas at the TX-OU game, and last, but very much not least, Brad is in Boston.

I am feeling like the feeling you get when you hear the BoDeans sing, "Far Far Away From My Heart".

Sigh.

Forty-One Roses: Endings and Beginnings - Part 3

This is what I asked Amber if she would help me with....



It is forty-one roses that we went and picked out at our favorite wholesale flower market. We picked them for their colors and what those colors represent. The darker red roses are actually black roses, they just photographed a deep red and then the flash made them even lighter. The other roses were a true red and white. We also added rosemary from my garden and lavender from Amber's garden. All of our choices had symbolic reasons, and we made the wreath with deliberate intent. For love and remembrance, for dealing with the past, for forgivenes and for letting go.

I first was going to place it on my grandmother's grave. But as I worked on it I realized that I needed to place it in a different location. It needed to go on my dad's grave. So that is what I did. And now I have said some of the things, out loud, that I have waited to say.

And I don't feel the least bit impolite.

Endings and Beginnings -- Part 2

As I said in my previous post, my grandmother's death was more painful than I expected. She was a vital woman, in the best sense of that word. She loved life, lived her life with an enthusiastic YES! at almost every opportunity and challenge. She lived a long life as well. She died leaving a large family who loved her. Children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great-great grandchildren were at her funeral and her life was celebrated as well as mourned.

I decided to miss the visitation the night before the funeral so I could stay in Austin to be with our son who was leaving shortly to fly back to San Francisco. It wasn't an easy decision, but I thought if I could have asked her what she would want, I think she would have said, "Celebrate the living before mourning the dead." So that is what I did.

I also asked my oldest daughter, Amber if she would help me do something. I was a bit embarrassed asking, because it might seem weird what I wanted to do, but I am not going to let hesitation stop me any longer from doing what seems true for me. I needed to find some way to let go of my past. I had done all sort of intellectual work on my childhood. All sorts of psychological work and mental acrobatics to try and understand on my own why people had behaved how they behaved. And yet, there was still a sad curiosity I have never been able to shake. A feeling like I was holding out my empty hands asking for more but never receiving anything of weight.

I think that maybe this was because I have always tried to find a way to explain away their actions. To rationalize it. To justify it. But the bottom, the base reality I never acknowledged at a deep level was that I felt wronged and betrayed by the people I trusted the most. I needed to acknowledge that part of me was angry and hurt and that it was wrong what had been done to six year old me. Then I needed to find a way to really forgive it (since you can't forgive what you don't acknowledge) and then finally, hopefully, move on.

Endings and Beginnings -- Part 1

Our son Matt and his lovely girlfriend, Nhu, came home for the Thanksgiving break. We planned not one, but TWO feasts for the time he was scheduled to be here and then, the day before they arrived, we got a phone call that my grandmother had died. They decided to delay the funeral until the weekend after Thanksgiving, but it still didn't give some family members the time to get home as all flights the weekend after Thanksgiving are booked solid.

I took my grandmother's death very hard. This was surprising as I wasn't particularly close with my grandmother. She was my father's mom and when I was six years old, my parents divorced. My dad, for whatever reasons, didn't make seeing me and my sister the priority that it should have been. Since he didn't pick us up on his weekends, and seldom had more contact than around Christmas - we very rarely saw that side of our family. They just sort of faded into the background. I missed them as we had been a very tight knit group who spent a lot of time together and I thought of my male cousins the way most folks think of siblings. For a long time I felt the empty space and wondered what was wrong with me that they didn't make a point of including me more often.

In later years we reconnected and I was surprised to find how much I was like my grandmother. We had so many of the same personality quirks and attitudes about things. We both delighted in conversation and a full house of company. We loved to feed everyone and never wanted to waste time washing up when company was still there to chat with. We loved some of the same weird foods and had the same circadian rhythms. We had the same profile and the same mother lion piercing gaze when our family was vunerable to anything. Family was THE steadfast priority.

Most of the family was her steadfast priority. And that unfinished business is why her death was difficult for me. My father died when I was 16 and I never got to ask him why I was ignored, postponed, abandoned.

I didn't have the courage to ever ask. It seemed somehow impolite and I didn't have the words. I kept meaning to have that conversation with my grandmother - ask her the difficult questions - but it was so much easier and more fun to laugh with her and enjoy what little time I made to see her in my busy adult life. I regret not having the hard conversation. I just never could find the words.

"He wears the world like a loose garmet." (Quote of the Day)

"He wears the world like a loose garmet."
--Kris Kristoferson describing Willie Nelson's unflappable nature.

I really want to be like this. I know I worry too much -- even though I know fretting and emotional teeth gnashing are a waste of energy, I still do it. I yearn for the zen acceptance that Willie Nelson wears like a loose (and comfortable) garmet.

I have always been a fan of Mr. Nelson's, but the past year I have really come to appreciate to a much deeper level his music, his life philosophies, his activism, his way of being in the world and the myriad and complex aspects that make up his uniqueness. I like the way he fits into his life and I love the way he accepts whatever comes his way.

Do you think there is a place I can get a "What would Willie do" t-shirt?

If not, I can at least check out his new songs and ask to be a new friend at his myspace....

Losing a Mountain

The person who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

-- Chinese proverb




I need to lose weight. I need to lose a LOT of weight. The quote above I found today and it is going to be my new mantra. Little steps, lots of little steps can take me long distances. Right?

One of my secret dreams is to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, but until I get in much much better shape, that is not possible. So starting today, I am going to attempt again to lose a mountain of weight and as a reward I will treat myself to one of the trips of my dreams. Don't you think there is a wonderful symmetry to this goal and reward?

I have been dreaming about this for several years. I started thinking about it after seeing the wonderful documentary, Kilimanjaro - To the Roof of Africa.  I have even picked the company I will probably use - Tusker Trails.

I have done almost everything except the actual work of losing the weight and getting in shape. Wishing for it won't get me there. Dreaming of it won't get me there. Praying about it won't get me there. It is time I take to heart the African prayer, "Pray with your feet."

The glacier at the top of Kili is getting smaller every year and so I need to act now. I feel a new urgency - for the glacier and for me as well. I feel the weight of time lately. I feel more of a pressing need to act. Life flies by us at such accelerated speed these days and I can't procrastinate any longer. I need to do the hard work now, because I deserve a healthier and lighter life! The time is now to pray with my feet.



Feet get a' movin'!