Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Presenting my son and his warped sense of humor: Dante's Stupido

What would you write if you were a high school male who hates to write papers and were a sophomore reading Dante's Inferno and your Language Arts teacher asked you to write your own version of the nine levels of hell?

Presenting my son and his warped sense of humor:

Dante's Stupido

In tribute to Dante, I created a version of Hell in his style. My Hell is based on the severity of ones stupidity. In Stupidity Hell the protagonist is guided by Charles Darwin. I chose Darwin because he represents the weeding out of stupid people from the gene pool, mainly because of the book series in his name, The Darwin Awards. When they reach the gates of Hell, they are met by none other than Dr. Phil. He is the judiciary figure. When a sinner/idiot gets to hell Dr. Phil berates them and then tells them their sentence. He is the judge because, if you have seen his show, he hates stupid people and does everything he can to knock some sense into them. Albeit he sometimes hurts some feelings but, who cares of the feelings of the damned.

In the first Circle of Hell we find those who managed not to hurt anyone with their stupidity. Such examples are: people who follow the pop magazines and really care what happens between Brad and Jen, people like the "Lizard Man" who tattoo and disfigure themselves to the point that they are barely recognizable as human, people who buy ripped, stressed, or paint covered clothing, and people who insist in talking out loud in AIM or L33T-speak. Those last have a particularly fitting punishment. They are forced to listen to an English grammar textbook read aloud by a stuffy professor from the 1800's while simultaneously watching n00bs play Counterstrike and World of Warcraft.

The second Circle of Hell is populated by those who hurt animals with their stupidity. One example is a group of Japanese scientists who for some reason need bile and so rather that synthesizing it in a lab (which is fairly easy), choose to painfully extract it from live bears. Another is Peter Meyer who as part of his "art" show allowed visitors to pass goldfish through food processors. There are Chinese people who as part of superstitious and outdated beliefs, consume unspeakable animal parts to increase their virility. Another of these is that of the elderly unnamed woman who, after bathing her poodle, attempts to dry her in the new microwave oven in which the dog promptly explodes. Her punishment is quite the opposite of her pet. She is put into a decompression chamber in which pressure is extremely high and then brought down suddenly. There she experiences sensations quite similar to those of her puppy, but hers are brought on by an outward force pulling out rather than an inner force pushing out.

In the third Circle of Hell live those who's stupidity has brought harm to themselves. Participants include: all winners of Darwin Awards, the college kids who decide to have "Hurricane Parties" during a hurricane, professional athletes who use steroids and then complain when they get cancer, and smokers. Smokers enjoy the wondrous experience of being burned alive while constantly choking on the black tarry smoke of their own burning flesh.

In the fourth Circle of Hell we have those who have hurt friends with idiocy. The friends we hope to never have, who are guests of the Jerry Springer show. Pippin is here, from Lord of the Rings, who carelessly or inadvertently becomes an enemy informant when he looks into the seeing stone. In attendance is Brutus, who stupidly betrayed his greatest ally. Not only did he lose all influence he had in the city but eventually his life after he helped instigate the revolution against the man who was his most loyal friend, Caesar. The last person is Odysseus, who foolishly ransacked the Temple of Poseidon before he was to make a long sea voyage. (Real Smart). Odysseus must endure the punishment of "Waterboarding" in which he is tied upside down to a vertical plank of wood and water is continuously poured over his feet to rush down over his body and face, eternally simulating the sensation of drowning.

In the fifth Circle of Hell are those whose stupidity harmed their families. We have religious fanatics who do not believe in modern medicine and refuse to let their families benefit from life saving technology. We also see here the upper echelon of Catholic priesthood who ignore or even protect pedophile priests, as well as Martha Stewart who promoted an unobtainable ideal for homemakers. In their own greasy corner we have such luminaries as Ray Croc, the founder of McDonald's who helped brainwash families that a "happy meal" was a healthy choice. Ray gets repeatedly julienned and deep-fried in his own version of McHell.

In the sixth Circle of Hell we find those fools whose ignorance has harmed other races. Columbus and the other European explorers who discovered new lands but did not respect the new races they discovered as well. Mel Gibson and his famous drunken honesty, Samuel Bowers and David Duke - two of the most famous white supremacists of modern times and last but not least, Borat Sagdiyev. Borat not only managed to insult the people of Kazakhstan, but also took the world opinion of America and it's culture down another notch. He is trapped in a room of his own fans and forced to listen through eternity to them doing bad imitations of him while he naked wrestles with his "producer".

The seventh Circle of Hell is populated by people who have harmed an entire nation. The first of which is Kruschev and his circle of USSR premiers who ran their country into the ground and have left their mess to be cleaned up by their heirs. Next find in the seventh circle the corrupt African leaders who not only confiscate foreign aid packages, but also refuse to acknowledge the truth about AIDS and they don't educate their population on the ways to not spread the disease. Also here is Emperor Hirohito of Japan, who initiated the attack on Pearl Harbor that started the chain of events that led to the Atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Lastly is Kim Jung Il. He has completely alienated his country from the outside world and has condemned them with his foolhardy nuclear aggression. It is well known that he is very fond of his tech toys, many of which are American made. iPods, fast cars and all the materialism that communism protests against are some of his guilty pleasures that he often uses as rewards for support. For his sins, he will live in a total void, in a sensory deprivation tank in the middle of a white padded cell with his only stimulation being the theme song of his mock character in Team America: World Police singing "I'm so ronery" over and over and over.

The eighth Circle of Hell are those whose stupidity has harmed on a global level. The first of which is Pandora, whose need to satisfy her curiosity cost the world. Next is our favorite President, George W. Bush, tipping the scales with his bold move not to sign the Kyoto Treaty. Third are the officers of 3M and other chemical companies who give us ScotchGuard so that we can clean stained couches and carpets more easily, but saturate the planet with potentially toxic Clouroflourocarbons that will be much more difficult to clean up. Henry Ford may have given us the assembly line and the affordable automobile, but at what cost? The need for gasoline to run our cars has had disastrous effects on our environment, not to mention the pollution of burning all those petro-chemicals. Mr. Ford, for his sins to the environment will endure the Chinese water torture, with a twist: drop by drop will fall on his forehead - drop by drop of acid rain.

The ninth Circle of Hell are those whose stupidity has harmed on a cosmic level. Zaphod Beeblebrox, president of the galaxy ... enough said. The American and Russian space programs who have been the biggest cosmic litterbugs are also in the ninth circle. Here you will also find all the past presidents and vice presidents of NBC, ABC, CBS and all other television and radio stations because their constant radio signals going out into the universe might destroy entire civilizations on other galaxies. Finally we find in his own lovely theater, Ronald Reagan, who sent WMD's into orbit and allowed radioactive waste to be jettisoned into space. "Ronnie" is forced to watch the new Star Wars movies (Episodes I, II & III) over and over with liberal Star Wars fanatics that only cease their incessant harping about his politics to make snide comments about the movies.


lori said...

I love Bradley. He's a chip off the ol' block!

Anonymous said...

Haha, Bradley. Gotta love him.
Merry Christmas Aunt Tammy!!!

Mark said...

surely ambulance chasing lawyers have to be in there somewhere. also, dr. phil as judge? blech....know him and his family and you'll understand. other than that , BRAVO OLD CHAP!! SURELY WORTHY OF AN A! THE TITLE ALONE IS WORTHY OF A B+