Sunday, January 14, 2007

Too much and not enough.

Here lately, I don't get the joke. I am not feeling Atlas Wink-ish at all. I am feeling more like Atlas Sleeps and Atlas Weeps and Atlas Stares Like A Zombie At The Wide Screen TV.

I am in that awful place where you feel too much and not enough. You know, when there is too much life you don't like and not enough life you love. Too much of nothing good and not enough of something great. Too much bullshit and not enough beauty.

Today at one point I was sitting in my easy chair, with my warmest blanket and my Uggs boots and not one but two boxes of Kleenex. I just started crying for no apparent reason really and I leaked sadness all day long. When I wasn't feeling sad, I was feeling a little scared. That uneasy almost anxious feeling decided it wanted to be my friend today and I couldn't shake it. It played tag team with sad little Mr. Blue Violet. (Mr. Neon Pea Green, meet Mr. Blue Violet....)

I should probably say something here about what is going on with me or I will get a dozen e-mails of worry and concern, so please don't worry. I am O.K. with feeling crappy. It is appropriate for where I am right now. See, I have a cold and a sinus infection and allergies running wild and a middle ear infection --- all that I just can't seem to shake. It is also cold outside and I dread and despise cold weather. Give me 100+ temps and I am fine. Maybe a bit moist, but a happy sweaty thing at least. Let the temp drop under 50 and I start worrying about hypothermia and having enough groceries in case it freezes and will my pets stay warm and will my kids get too cold. I really do start to have a bit of anxiety when it is getting chilly.

Oh and one other thing --- my Number One New Years Resolution is to quit smoking.

Which I have done so far.

Tomorrow will be the 2 week mark.

I am doing fine on the no smoking, I don't really crave the nicotine. What I do crave is the side effect of emotional anesthesia. I didn't realize how often I would smoke instead of feeling something I judged as negative. If smoking didn't work, then I would eat. Sometimes I did them both - repeatedly. I decided to try feeling the feelings for a while instead of smoking or eating them away. Instead, I declare them to myself. This past week I just let myself feel what I feel. When appropriate, I even announce them to my husband.

If you want to email Bob your concern and worry for him, I understand.

1 comment:

Rachel Jaye Brenner said...

Though it sounds odd for me to say that I'm proud of you, I am.

Also, I hope you feel better soon. The weather can definitely be a downer (even though the free day tomorrow is kind of nice for us kids...)

Love you!